Ups and Downs

Pregnancy is hard.

To be honest, it's really hard for me to get my mind off of all that can go wrong.  Every time I have a strange feeling in my abdominal area, I'm convinced it's the beginning of the end.  Every time I go to the bathroom, I hold my breathe and say a prayer before checking to see if things are normal or if there are any warning signs.  Every time I eat something on the "don't eat" list, I'm convinced I've cursed my baby.

Going through the CVS was tough stuff but I was hoping that once I got the results, I would be able to proceed with a bit of joy.  That was quickly stunted when I started to have strange discharge and became convinced that Bebe was in danger.  I called the doctor on that one and was told it was no biggie, that it was normal, and that the baby was fine; that was confirmed on Tuesday when I had an appointment and heard the heartbeat.

That little beating is a miraculous sound and it filled me with serenity and confidence... for about 48 hours.

Today, I kind of over did it: I was outside on my feet in the heat refinishing cabinets for about 4 hours or so, then returned indoors and emptied out all of the remaining kitchen cabinets, which took another 2 hours.  I admit I was exhausted but feeling pretty good until I finished and went to use the bathroom and then have a shower.

That's when I noticed I was bleeding.

It wasn't heavy and it wasn't pure blood - it was mixed with whitish discharge (which is the normal part) - but it was totally alarming and immediately stopped my heart.  I got in the shower to calm down and cool off and then called the doctor.

I highly recommend making friends with an Ob-Gyn if you plan on having children - like BEST friends.  That way, when you call with an issue, he or she will truly care about it and do everything with his or her power to get to the bottom of the problem and give you peace of mind.  Because that's not how it works when your doctors have NO vested interest in you.

And I'm not blaming them - they are busy people who see tons of patients and honestly, don't know me from Eve.  It's just the nature of the beast when you live in one of the most overpopulated states.

When the doctor finally called me back, she was pretty cool and clinical and said to stay off my feet and if it continued or increased, to call the office in the morning and they would get me in to see me.  She wasn't concerned because there was no cramping and because I explained the circumstances of my day.

I, on the other hand, am a freakin' lunatic right now and am convinced that I have done something to harm my baby, that it's all my fault, that I suck as a mother already, and that if there is a "worst" thing that can happen, it will absolutely happen to me.

So here I sit on the couch with my feet up while my husband forces a smile, caters to me and attempts to act as though he is 100% confident that the baby is just fine.  I'm sure that while he's over there sanding down the kitchen wall, he's just as nervous as I am.

Or maybe I'm just a freak.  Let's hope...