I wasn't going to do this but...

I'm not a big fan of the "belly shot";

it makes me super uncomfortable and 

personally, I think it's kind of creepy.

But yesterday I went dress shopping for

the umpteenth time in an effort to find

the perfect frock for the wedding of the century

that is taking place at this amazing venue:

Glengorm Castle, Isle of Mull

It was an effort to find a dress that fit my

pregnant self: I'm almost 5 months and have

gained just enough weight that I'm in between

normal sizes yet not quite ready for maternity.

But yesterday, I got lucky at Macy's.

I found the PERFECT dress - it's absolutely

adorable and looks like a dress I would wear 

if I weren't preggers, not one that I had to settle for

because I have a cantaloupe sized lump protruding 

from my abdomen.  And guess what?  It wasn't the

only dress that looked good on me! I actually found 4 dresses 

and had to make a choice; who would've thought

a pregnant gal on a budget would have options

this late in the game?  I chose a raw silk INC dress because 

it is just so me - a real party dress - and it was on sale! 

I'll post a pic of it after I wear it 

on the wedding day but circling back, here's a

pic of me in one of the three dresses I didn't buy.

Despite those white legs and cankles, I looked kinda sexy; 

the rouching really showed off the baby bump but 

the best thing about it was its size: not a maternity 4, 

but a real dress size 4! (which, I'll admit, 

is not the same as a Banana Republic size 4 but hey, 

I need to feel good about these 15 pounds I've gained!)

I am a believer in tight fitting clothing during 

pregnancy; oversized clothes, in my opinion, 

only make a pregnant lady look fat and I ain't down with that!

Only two more days until we hop the pond! 

Tomorrow I'll post a semi-kitchen reveal but I need to run - 

Pinkerton keeps walking across the baby and I need to get moving!

Ups and Downs

Pregnancy is hard.

To be honest, it's really hard for me to get my mind off of all that can go wrong.  Every time I have a strange feeling in my abdominal area, I'm convinced it's the beginning of the end.  Every time I go to the bathroom, I hold my breathe and say a prayer before checking to see if things are normal or if there are any warning signs.  Every time I eat something on the "don't eat" list, I'm convinced I've cursed my baby.

Going through the CVS was tough stuff but I was hoping that once I got the results, I would be able to proceed with a bit of joy.  That was quickly stunted when I started to have strange discharge and became convinced that Bebe was in danger.  I called the doctor on that one and was told it was no biggie, that it was normal, and that the baby was fine; that was confirmed on Tuesday when I had an appointment and heard the heartbeat.

That little beating is a miraculous sound and it filled me with serenity and confidence... for about 48 hours.

Today, I kind of over did it: I was outside on my feet in the heat refinishing cabinets for about 4 hours or so, then returned indoors and emptied out all of the remaining kitchen cabinets, which took another 2 hours.  I admit I was exhausted but feeling pretty good until I finished and went to use the bathroom and then have a shower.

That's when I noticed I was bleeding.

It wasn't heavy and it wasn't pure blood - it was mixed with whitish discharge (which is the normal part) - but it was totally alarming and immediately stopped my heart.  I got in the shower to calm down and cool off and then called the doctor.

I highly recommend making friends with an Ob-Gyn if you plan on having children - like BEST friends.  That way, when you call with an issue, he or she will truly care about it and do everything with his or her power to get to the bottom of the problem and give you peace of mind.  Because that's not how it works when your doctors have NO vested interest in you.

And I'm not blaming them - they are busy people who see tons of patients and honestly, don't know me from Eve.  It's just the nature of the beast when you live in one of the most overpopulated states.

When the doctor finally called me back, she was pretty cool and clinical and said to stay off my feet and if it continued or increased, to call the office in the morning and they would get me in to see me.  She wasn't concerned because there was no cramping and because I explained the circumstances of my day.

I, on the other hand, am a freakin' lunatic right now and am convinced that I have done something to harm my baby, that it's all my fault, that I suck as a mother already, and that if there is a "worst" thing that can happen, it will absolutely happen to me.

So here I sit on the couch with my feet up while my husband forces a smile, caters to me and attempts to act as though he is 100% confident that the baby is just fine.  I'm sure that while he's over there sanding down the kitchen wall, he's just as nervous as I am.

Or maybe I'm just a freak.  Let's hope...

Fear of Babies: I Want the Stork Myth!

One of the reasons I'm afraid to have a baby is that I worry it will come out looking like this picture. I don't want a creepy baby with taut, translucent skin, bulging eyes, giant ears, and other characteristics akin to a geriatric.

I don't understand why our society didn't continue to run with the whole stork idea. It makes perfect sense to me: one morning, you awake to find a bonnie, chubby little cherub sleeping peacefully in its Moses basket at your front door step. It gingerly opens its round, bright eyes (or almond shaped eyes if you're Asian) and greets you with a sweet cooing sound.

You reach down and take it into your arms while looking up and down the street in a perplexed yet disinterested way and upon realizing no one is coming back for the child, you are suddenly overwhelmed with parental joy and instincts and walk happily back inside.

Instant family - voila!

Now, isn't that the way it should be? Wouldn't the stork approach solve a lot of societies' issues? I mean, after all, when you open the door and see the child, if you realize you don't want a baby or aren't ready for one at that moment, you can just go back inside and shut the door.

It's true!

The stork will totally take if from there. Once the door is shut, making it clear to the stork that the homeowner is not interested in motherhood at that time, the stork will leap out of its hiding spot, scoop up the baby, shove it down into its pouch, and take it to the next person on the list.

To me, the above sounds great. Ideal, in fact, because not only would I not have to walk around for almost a year with something foreign growing inside me, I would not have to get that watermelon out of me at some point. Plus, if my baby came via stork, I would probably love it more because I would be in a better place,mentally and physically, to do so. No raging hormones! No body image crisis! No leaking, bleeding nipples!

But the best part of the stork scenario is that in the stork myth, the baby that you get is YOUR BABY. It's not someone else's baby because adoption/surrogacy/IVF is not part of the stork narrative so the stork baby is 100% yours, no questions asked.

If the stork myth was a true tale, then I would set up delivery tomorrow.

Well, maybe not tomorrow. I suppose I would wait until after August 29th, just to keep the 'rents from going mental.