I wanna be Oprah

Mimi & Oprah
Originally uploaded by dannrayv

Whenever students ask me what I wanted to be when I was a kid, I always tell them the same thing: I wanted to be the White Oprah.

Now, I didn't want to work my way up through the journalism business; I had NO interest in starting out at some podunk cable access network and then getting a late night spot on the local news before moving on to prime time. No, I wanted to be talk show Oprah.

Think about it: do you know anyone who talks more than I do? Who asks more questions? Who has an insatiable need for information?

Exactly. I'm perfectly suited for the job.

Now that Oprah is retiring, I think I should fill her spot. Well, me and Angelica Pinkerton, who would be my co-host. She would LOVE that and the audience world wide would finally get to see just how damn charming and clever we both can be.

So, if someone out there is reading this and you have a connection or a string you can pull for us, I promise I'll pay you back once I take over the world. And if you aren't quite sure what the White Oprah would do on her show, here's a few snippets of ideas:

- Once I was established and worth billions, I would give away a ton of cash every Monday. Literally - I would cart garbage bags full of quarters to the nearest weigh station and weigh out a ton of them (approx. $40,000) and then I would pack them onto a big truck all decked out just for the occasion (maybe I could have one of those "pimp my ride" shows outfit one for me, emblazoned on the side in bright letters "The White Oprah's Ton of Cash Giveaway") and I would drive from town to town followed by my camera crew and choose deserving people. Hmm, maybe I would even have someone make a papier mache cow for me out of bills so I could also have a "cash cow" giveaway...

- I would invite Ellen Degeneres onto my show for a dance off. I have some sick moves and it would be a real competition.

- I will invite the Octomom to come talk about her experience but only if she agrees to wear a giant octopus costume.

And there's more where that came from, so stay tuned!

So, What's La Pointe of It All? 2011 is going to be my year: let the White Oprah reign!