Ups and Downs

Pregnancy is hard.

To be honest, it's really hard for me to get my mind off of all that can go wrong.  Every time I have a strange feeling in my abdominal area, I'm convinced it's the beginning of the end.  Every time I go to the bathroom, I hold my breathe and say a prayer before checking to see if things are normal or if there are any warning signs.  Every time I eat something on the "don't eat" list, I'm convinced I've cursed my baby.

Going through the CVS was tough stuff but I was hoping that once I got the results, I would be able to proceed with a bit of joy.  That was quickly stunted when I started to have strange discharge and became convinced that Bebe was in danger.  I called the doctor on that one and was told it was no biggie, that it was normal, and that the baby was fine; that was confirmed on Tuesday when I had an appointment and heard the heartbeat.

That little beating is a miraculous sound and it filled me with serenity and confidence... for about 48 hours.

Today, I kind of over did it: I was outside on my feet in the heat refinishing cabinets for about 4 hours or so, then returned indoors and emptied out all of the remaining kitchen cabinets, which took another 2 hours.  I admit I was exhausted but feeling pretty good until I finished and went to use the bathroom and then have a shower.

That's when I noticed I was bleeding.

It wasn't heavy and it wasn't pure blood - it was mixed with whitish discharge (which is the normal part) - but it was totally alarming and immediately stopped my heart.  I got in the shower to calm down and cool off and then called the doctor.

I highly recommend making friends with an Ob-Gyn if you plan on having children - like BEST friends.  That way, when you call with an issue, he or she will truly care about it and do everything with his or her power to get to the bottom of the problem and give you peace of mind.  Because that's not how it works when your doctors have NO vested interest in you.

And I'm not blaming them - they are busy people who see tons of patients and honestly, don't know me from Eve.  It's just the nature of the beast when you live in one of the most overpopulated states.

When the doctor finally called me back, she was pretty cool and clinical and said to stay off my feet and if it continued or increased, to call the office in the morning and they would get me in to see me.  She wasn't concerned because there was no cramping and because I explained the circumstances of my day.

I, on the other hand, am a freakin' lunatic right now and am convinced that I have done something to harm my baby, that it's all my fault, that I suck as a mother already, and that if there is a "worst" thing that can happen, it will absolutely happen to me.

So here I sit on the couch with my feet up while my husband forces a smile, caters to me and attempts to act as though he is 100% confident that the baby is just fine.  I'm sure that while he's over there sanding down the kitchen wall, he's just as nervous as I am.

Or maybe I'm just a freak.  Let's hope...

Take the Indoors Out

HGTV_2075
Originally uploaded by CO Coccia

I love summertime and this year because I'm pregnant and unmotivated, I'm particularly thankful for its arrival.

Ya'll know how much I love HGTV and lately, it's been on in the background at least six to eight hours a day. Consider it market research for my kitchen remodel: I need to know what buyers are interested in so that when we outgrow our place, we can sell it for top dolla, dolla bills, yo.

The problem is, I've got work to do refinishing cabinets but a). the heat is not enticing me to hop out on to the deck and get to work and b). I can't see the TV from the deck.

There's nothing I can do about the heat except suck it up however I might be able to re-position the television so I can view it from the veranda while sanding cabinet doors. That will be my Thursday project, I think.

I bought all of the paint for the kitchen today; Benjamin Moore carries a line called Natura and supposedly, it's fairly safe for pregnant women, which is awesome, since I don't want Bebe getting high in utero.

There's nothing that bores me more than someone who's stoned.

Out of Place

I'm sitting here on the couch watching my dinner spin round and round in the microwave.

Because it's in the living room and not in the kitchen where it belongs.

Needless to say, this makes me VERY uncomfortable but I'm going to tough it out.

I understand that many people deal with makeshift kitchens during their remodeling but I don't know if those people share my issues.

It makes me really uncomfortable when things are where they don't belong: underwear on the side of the road, a child's sock in a mall parking lot, microwaves in the living room.

But I can do this.

I

Can

Do

This.

On a brighter note, I heard the baby's heartbeat today and am thrilled that Bebe is still alive and kickin'. I figure I can maybe enjoy a few days of expectant mother bliss before I'm once again convinced that she's gone silent.

Nesting

We have begun to prepare the nest for Bebe LaPointe and it's an absolute disaster area:

We've been without a working oven since the great spatchcocking incident of Thanksgiving '09 (thanks, Martha Stewart).  We knew we would eventually renovate the kitchen, so we didn't go out and buy a new one because we wanted to wait until we were ready to buy all new appliances and update the kitchen from top to bottom.

Well, that time is finally upon us.  Lowes usually offers 10% off of all appliances over $400 over Fourth of July weekend and this year, they offered 20% off of Whirlpool ones.  Fortunately, I had the foresight to acquire an additional 10% off coupon that could be used on top of that sale so Saturday morning we went to Lowes in North Bergen (which is an urban district and thus charges only 3.5% sales tax) and purchased new stainless steel appliances (a must in Hoboken for re-sale): a new French door refrigerator, a glass top range, an above the range microwave, and a new dishwasher.  Of course, we didn't buy a single Whirlpool appliance, even though I went in there with the model numbers of the four I was determined to purchase but we got great deals on Samsung and Frigidaire.

We then went to the stone yard and chose our countertops - thank GOD we only have 30 square feet to cover because stone is expensive!  I knew what I wanted when we went into the show room but I was open to other options.  Once we were in the yard looking at the slabs, my original choice was confirmed and that was that!  I think our salesperson was impressed with my decision making ability; what can I say, I know what I like and I know what sucks.

Sunday morning, Matt went to Home Depot and bought a hand truck and by noontime, the grease covered oven range was on the curb marked "free" and five minutes after that, it was gone.  He is such a champ - he thoroughly cleaned the empty space and got to work ripping off the old laminate countertops and hauling them to the curb.  I finished reading about Haimish Macbeth's latest adventures in the new M.C. Beaton mystery.  Pregnancy does have its advantages, I guess.

Today, Matt went back to Lowes and Home Depot and I trekked up to Washington Street to the paint shop to check out colors for the cabinets and walls.  Thankfully, Benjamin Moore offers little $3 sample pots of the exact colors I was looking for, so I purchased some of those and returned to Headquarters to experiment with cabinet finishes.  In between layering colors and attempting antique faux finishes in the 97 degree heat, I dunked my head under the bathroom spigot.  When Matt returned, he got to work on installing the kitchen floor and I returned to the couch and an afternoon/early evening of HGTV.

It's all coming together, so tune in for updates!

Confessions

I hate being pregnant.

Yep, that's right: if you know what's good for you, please don't ask to see my belly and don't even consider touching it. Don't ask how much weight I've gained or get all gooey on me with talk of spontaneous overflows of maternal feeling. I may hurl on you.

Don't tell me that I am radiating a glow of motherhood and have never looked better because I'll know you're lying. I am fat, uncomfortable, and in the midst of a major fashion crisis: the trifecta of a visual holocaust.

And please, don't go on about how much you loved being pregnant, roll your eyes while I'm complaining, or sigh that I need to "calm down and enjoy this special time".  Instead, take a good look at my hands and notice how my nails are bitten to the quick and put two and two together: you expect me to calm down when wine and Xanax are no longer options? Ha!

Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled that we are having a baby. I adore little Bebe LaPointe, despite the fact that she's only the size of a navel orange and seems to spend most of her time resting on my bladder. I have no doubt that I'll be a good mother and honestly, I'm not worried about anything post-birth.

Because luck is not my middle name, I inherited a healthy dose of my mother's worrisome nature in addition to an extreme overload of my father's pessimism. Combined, those two traits make for one anxious pregnancy.

Which is why I spend all of my waking hours praying that her heart is still beating while convinced that it's not.

Ugh. Only 25 more weeks to go...

Just the Two of Us

Me and my Matty

Photos by Celine Marie Photography

One of my favorite bloggers, Aura Joon, has topped herself again 

with a beautiful post written about her and her adorable husband.

I have written before about how much I adore her blog; 

through her chosen subject matter, words, and images, 

she always manages to evoke feelings of 

warmth, humility, gratitude, graciousness, and love.

This particular post struck a chord with me since 

in a few short months, I will no longer be part of a two 

but will instead become a three.

Check it out here and if you don't read her regularly, make her a

part of your blog roll.  She is the real deal and I think if I 

could be someone for a day and Ellen DeGeneres wasn't available, 

I would be Aura Joon.

Ps. Did I mention her totally adorable husband?  I did?  Oh, yeah... 

well, he's just a tiny, tiny reason why I would choose to be her... lol.

Time is on My Side... or Is It?

I announced my pregnancy via Facebook this week and was a bit overwhelmed by the number of people who commented on the post - pregnancy announcements totally trump birthdays in terms of number of comments left on your page!

A friend from high school who is a mother of multiples, a college professor and a writer, too, commented that she was looking forward to my upcoming blogs and was interested in seeing how motherhood affects my writing in terms of whether or not I'll have the time or the energy.

She's the definition of a go-getter and it's apparent that she works very, very hard to balance her home and work life. I admire her ability to juggle motherhood while teaching in a tenure track position at a prestigious university (one that that requires her to research, write and publish regularly!). Plus, from what I've read on her Facebook page, she even manages time for a social life and enjoys time with friends and family!

For the past twenty years, my time has pretty much been my own but that's all going to change in December and honestly, I'm looking forward to that change (it is, after all, why I'm enduring all of these miserable changes to my body that pregnancy has forced on me - although I look forward to motherhood, I HATE being pregnant).  But just because I'm looking forward to it doesn't mean that I'm not scared out of my mind, too.  Aren't all first time mothers-to-be?

Fortunately, my husband kicks ass - he's awesome and that's not an exaggeration.  He's one of the few people in my life who anticipates my moods and runs interference before I even have a chance to recognize them.  He'll be scooping that crying baby out of my arms and urging me to go sit at the keyboard and "relax" (Matty is big on "relaxing"; I, on the other hand, am not familiar with that term...).

So, with the help and advice of good friends and family, I think I'll make it through and hopefully, I'll manage to get time on my side, too!