Hungry Head

NSM Day 26a: PBJ
Originally uploaded by ★keaggy.com

I just ate my lunch.

I couldn't help myself: I've been up since 5:45 this morning and my body was craving lunch - not breakfast, but lunch (it wanted PBJ, not yogurt or cereal or any breakfasty foods).

Why is that? Is it because I'm really tired today and not functioning at full capacity? Is that the reason my body demanded I give it substantial fuel? If so, it doesn't seem to be helping my condition; I haven't perked up, I don't feel better, I'm still hungry.

Or am I? Hmm, actually, I don't think I am hungry. Instead, I think this morning's unsatisfying coffee and Adderall free weekend combo has left me out of sorts and confused, which is why I think I'm hungry and why my body seemed to crave food. My stomach isn't growling but my head most certainly is.

Living in my head has never been easy. My brain is like an awkward kid whose feet move faster than her body; I wish it there was enough time in the day for the one to naturally catch up to the other but there isn't, which is why it's time to fish out the Adderall.

For those of you who aren't ADD, I'm sure you've heard lots of fun stories about Adderall: it's legalized cocaine; it fills one with so much energy that one can perform superhuman feats with the slightest effort; it keeps one thin; it makes one smarter, etc.

Well, to someone who isn't ADD, I'm sure it does all of the above but for someone who is, well, it just makes thinking easier - a lot easier.
And yeah, it does keep weight off but that effect doesn't last forever; the body gets used to it after a while and thus adjusts itself accordingly.

I take it only during the work week so I can grade piles of essays, write lesson plans, teach 5 classes daily, organize loads of paperwork, meet with kids who need extra help after school, wrap my head around SAT Verbal so I can tutor more kids, make it home in one piece on the NJTP, shop for groceries, make dinner, clean the house and essentially, be a good wife and companion.

I'm a mess on the weekend when I don't take it; just ask my husband and he'll tell you how my equilibrium is thrown off, how I find comprehension difficult. Why don't I take it? Well, because I don't want my mind to become dependent on it and, well, because I need a break from realizing my brilliance.

So, what's La Pointe of It All? Well, I guess it's this: sometimes I wonder how I made it through life up to the point I went on medication but then I remember this: my life wasn't always so frantic and I had time to deal with my shortcomings. Given the luxury of time, I can usually deal with my periphrastic brain. Unfortunately, New Jersey charges way too much for its time.