Hoboken Moms

Tuesday morning, The Cheeks and I ventured out in to the 

winter snow and made our way to our first meeting 

of the Hoboken Hospital New Moms Support Group.

The Cheeks bundled up for her big adventure

I heard about this group from my friend Michelle; 

a few weeks ago, she even texted me an early 

morning reminder that it was meeting that day, but

I had to pass because I couldn't pull myself together

in time to make its 11 am start. I planned on going last 

week but, of course, an ice storm ensued and thus the

meeting was canceled; when I called the hotline this morning,

the recording announced that the group would meet despite 

the snow so I had no excuse but to get myself out the door.

I arrived a few minutes after 11 and was surprised to find a 

room of women and strollers; part of me assumed that I would

be the only loser there, so I was pleased to find others. In 

the next 30 minutes, the size of the group quadrupled.  All

in all, there were about 30 women and babies there, which 

was a bit overwhelming.  I surveyed the group and made 

mental notes of which moms I wanted to befriend: the

ringlet-ed blonde who has already hired a night nurse, 

the girl with the English accent who has the hair cut I 

thought I was getting when I hacked mine off in a 

hormonal fit, the pretty cocoa skinned gal whose 

daughter was dressed identical to mine and the flush 

faced Bjorn wearer whose son slept the entire 2.5 hours.

After a bit of hub-bub, the group leader introduced herself 

and suddenly, I wondered if I was in the wrong place.

Was this a meeting for all new moms or just the ones in

need of her lactation consultation? Within minutes, I realized

that I was, by far, the minority member of the group which 

sucked, because there's no affirmative action advantage to 

parenting.  I sat there for over an hour trying to connect 

with someone but it was clear that most of the girls weren't

interested.  It was bizarre - for a group of "new moms", 

there seemed to be an established social hierarchy
and I was clearly at its bottom.

As we went around the room introducing ourselves 

and asking questions, one by one, girls started moving about

and little cliques started forming.  One group of girls took over 

a corner and, between diaper changes, made plans to see a 

movie. Another posse who clearly viewed themselves

as the power group walked over to a table of oddly shaped

apparatuses, strapped them around their waists, and

 proceeded to whip out bubbies right and left (one
 so large, it looked like a small version of the Astrodome).

At that point, I broke out in a cold sweat and so did 

The Cheeks however her sweat was accompanied by

a sharp, distinctive cry (much like the one I wished I could 

unleash at that time). Just as I found an empty corner and 

managed to secret out my Ready to Feed 2 ouncer,
wouldn't ya know it, it was my turn to talk.  

All eyes were on me as I shoved the devil nipple 

into my babe's mouth and announced my name.  

Looking down at the bottle of Milk of Beezlebub,

Bluntly, I asked if I was the only mother exclusively

formula feeding. Of the 32 girls, just 2 others raised their hands
and, of course, neither was on my preferred list of future friends.

Hell, even the girl who hired a night nurse and dropped the F

bomb three times is giving her kid the boob (and let me just say,

in the words of a Seinfeld episode, they looked "real and spectacular").

I have a lot of flaws but one thing I am is self aware.  Even

though I personally find myself amusing and great company, 

I realize that I'm not everyone's cup of tea.  My first impression

often fails and today was a clear example. However whereas
 I used to want everyone to adore me, I now realize that those

who aren't drawn to me off the bat are rarely my type;

therefore, it makes sense for them to stare at me with  

vacant expressions when I crack one of my sarcastic barbs.  

Toward the end of the meeting, my radar began to work

properly and I found myself chatting in a small group of girls.

While none of them are formula feeding, they were all
from my original preferred list (Bjorn girl) and didn't

judge me when I mentioned that parenting got a lot easier 

when I started drinking in the early afternoon; one even

asked if she could join me! It made rejection from

the other moms a lot easier to handle.  

Hell, I'd rather hang with the Wino Moms

 than with the Tiger Moms any day!