Stress

I do not handle stress well.

When faced with a stressful situation, some people grow quiet and broody; they tend to retreat within themselves and sometimes, they appear to be so calm that it's hard to tell they are stressed.

I am not one of those people.

No, in addition to the internal struggle, my stress also manifests outwardly and is easily identifiable on sight and as I get older, it's not getting any easier to manage.  I've dealt poorly with stress my entire life; I can remember a teenager who locked herself out of the house moments before she was to receive an important phone call (from a boy, no doubt).  Instead of facing facts, that girl grew anxious and nervous and a panic began to swell within her chest.  Within moments, she was pounding her fists against the side of the house, freaking out because she felt out of control and couldn't deal with the situation rationally.

Moments like that continued to occur throughout my teendom and young adult years until finally, I  realized how freakish I must appear to others and began to make, with much effort, an effort to contain most of the outward physical manifestations of my stress.

Now instead of beating my fists against the wall, I beat up myself internally until my eyes well with tears and my flight instinct kicks in.  Today was one of those days.

Why is it that I'm so good at advising others on how to deal with stress yet I can barely deal with it myself?  Logically I know that (as my Grammy Schell used to say) "it will all come out in the wash" yet when I'm in the moment, I feel like a stained shirt stuck in the spin cycle.

The moment I'm stressed out, I cry and just want to retreat to my bed.  When those around me are stressed out, I really lose it; that fostered guilt is just too much for me to take.

I've tried different methods of stress management, to little or no avail but I'm not giving up; I have a baby on the way and she is, I'm sure, going to cause me A LOT of stress in the upcoming years so I'm determined to find a way to calm my inner demons.

Hmm,  perhaps a move to Skye is in order...