Maternity Leave

Yesterday was my first day of maternity 

leave and it wasn't what I had expected.

I've barely gone 9 weeks without working 

since I was 14 years old; the thought of 

not leaving the house to go to work for

9 months is almost preposterous. 

During the months I spent looking forward

to maternity leave, I dumbassedly assumed that a feeling

of calm and tranquility would accompany my

time off; instead, I feel anxious and overwhelmed.

My fears are many, some of the most pressing are:

1). that after severely cutting back on it, caffeine

has become my enemy and now produces anxiety;

2). that I'm going to run out of quarters and be hard 

pressed to do laundry (despite going to the bank 

yesterday and stockpiling a $100.00 worth);

3). that Pinkerton is going to be jealous of the baby 

and start pissing all over the flat (in that case, the

baby will have to go and live at Strachan's house);

4). that I'm going to live out the rest of my years 

as a fat girl with really bad hair and stubby nails;

5). that I'm never going to figure out better words 

to use in place of all of the words one puts into

regular rotation upon becoming a parent 

(i.e. mommy, mom, and all bathroom terms);

Those are just a few of my fears; I would add

more but my daily dose of anxiety just kicked in (even

though I swapped my cup of half-caf for a mug

of decaffeinated tea) so I must go text Strachan.