I haven't been blogging much lately.
My back pain is destroying my spirit; it's soul killing and frankly, I don't have much to say. A friend recommended acupuncture and I'm going to give it a try but I've been so busy commuting 2 hours a day, working 8 hours a day, tutoring after school, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, etc. that I haven't had a second to do anything other than complain. I'm going to call tomorrow and make an appointment.
I hate to complain even though it comes so easily to me. Isn't this supposed to be a wonderful, happy time? I have friends who would kill to be in my position; I know girls who are desperate to be pregnant and I feel selfish and horrid for going on about my discomfort. Please know that I'm not complaining about having a baby; I'm beyond excited to meet my little girl.
But I'm also terrified. I NEVER expected pregnancy to be so draining, so uncomfortable, so, well, all encompassing. I thought I would remain me, just pregnant in addition.
I haven't felt like myself for months now and it's really beginning to wear me down. I had an allergy attack at school yesterday that was the worst one of my life and today I'm dealing with the after effects: a raw nose, sore eyes, chapped lips and a headache. During that attack, I honestly felt that I was under attack, that an enemy had sensed my weak defenses and decided it was the perfect time to take advantage. Let's hope that enemy only won a battle and not the entire war or I'm screwed.
I want to feel like myself again and I am not sure when that's going to happen; I have a fairly good idea that it's not going to happen anytime soon because in a few months, my life as I've known it will be gone forever.
I hope I like the person I'll become.
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Loving the raw honesty here. That last line is pretty much amazing. Will you teach my 8th graders how to write? They could use some help.
ReplyDeleteHere's to hoping that your spirit will bounce back as you near the end. Good to have you writing...even if it's complaining. :) I do plenty of that on my blog...and I'm usually complaining about how busy I am, which is something I can control. Did I tell you that I agreed to help coach middle school volleyball for the next 8 weeks? I'm pretty much crazy...and I WILL be complaining about it--I'm sure. :)
There is nothing wrong about being honest! I hated being pregnant and I did it it three times! In the end, the outcome is well worth the pain and annoyance of the previous 9 months, give or take. The initial adjustment to the little darling is amazing and overwhelming and jarring and joyful all at the same time; but, you will be a remarkable mother with lots to offer "bebe". They say you forget the pain once the baby is born (sort of true), but the lifelong pleasure of her is worth it! Good luck with the acupuncture!
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty! What is there to like about the state of being pregnant - morning sickness, expanding butt and belly, blotchy skin, fatigue, aches and pains?
ReplyDeleteThe positives are feeling life move inside you, and the prospect of meeting a person with whom you will share the rest of your life, and who will likely (hopefully) be holding your hand as you leave this life.
You are in for an enlightening, frustrating, terrifying, life-changing, wonderful journey as a mother. Go ahead and complain now, and later. It is important that you recognize that you are still you, and you still are allowed to feel whatever it is you are feeling. There is no one right way to feel. Anyone who says pregnancy and motherhood are all wine and roses is either whacked or not telling the truth. Both are much like teaching; lots of planning, effort, and even some frustration. But the moments of connection and fulfillment are one hundred times, even one thousand times, sweeter!
Best wishes for the rest of the pregnancy and beyond!
you'll know what i'm talking about when you have the baby-- you'll say to yourself, "good thing we're paying all this money for shelter! this baby would not be happy in a tent in the freezing rain!"
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